Shenu Volleyball Club

Source: The Post Game
By Steve Henson

What Makes A Nightmare Sports Parent -- And What Makes A Great One

Steve Henson is a Senior Editor and Writer at Yahoo! Sports. He has four adult children and has coached and officiated youth sports for 30 years.

 Hundreds of college athletes were asked to think back: "What is your worst memory from playing youth and high school sports?"

Their overwhelming response: "The ride home from games with my parents."

The informal survey lasted three decades, initiated by two former longtime coaches who over time became staunch advocates for the player, for the adolescent, for the child. Bruce E. Brown and Rob Miller of Proactive Coaching LLC are devoted to helping adults avoid becoming a nightmare sports parent, speaking at colleges, high schools and youth leagues to more than a million athletes, coaches and parents in the last 12 years.

Those same college athletes were asked what their parents said that made them feel great, that amplified their joy during and after a ballgame.

Their overwhelming response: "I love to watch you play."

There it is, from the mouths of babes who grew up to become college and professional athletes. Whether your child is just beginning T-ball or is a travel-team soccer all-star or survived the cuts for the high school varsity, parents take heed.

he vast majority of dads and moms that make rides home from games miserable for their children do so inadvertently. They aren't stereotypical horrendous sports parents, the ones who scream at referees, loudly second-guess coaches or berate their children. They are well-intentioned folks who can't help but initiate conversation about the contest before the sweat has dried on their child's uniform.

In the moments after a game, win or lose, kids desire distance. They make a rapid transition from athlete back to child. And they’d prefer if parents transitioned from spectator – or in many instances from coach – back to mom and dad. ASAP.

Brown (pictured below at podium), a high school and youth coach near Seattle for more than 30 years, says his research shows young athletes especially enjoy having their grandparents watch them perform.

"Overall, grandparents are more content than parents to simply enjoy watching the child participate," he says. "Kids recognize that."

A grandparent is more likely to offer a smile and a hug, say "I love watching you play," and leave it at that.

Meanwhile a parent might blurt out …

“Why did you swing at that high pitch when we talked about laying off it?"

"Stay focused even when you are on the bench.”

"You didn’t hustle back to your position on defense.”

"You would have won if the ref would have called that obvious foul.”

"Your coach didn't have the best team on the field when it mattered most.”

And on and on.

Sure, an element of truth might be evident in the remarks. But the young athlete doesn’t want to hear it immediately after the game. Not from a parent. Comments that undermine teammates, the coach or even officials run counter to everything the young player is taught. And instructional feedback was likely already mentioned by the coach.

"Let your child bring the game to you if they want to,” Brown says.

Brown and Miller, a longtime coach and college administrator, don't consider themselves experts, but instead use their platform to convey to parents what three generations of young athletes have told them.

"Everything we teach came from me asking players questions," Brown says. "When you have a trusting relationship with kids, you get honest answers. When you listen to young people speak from their heart, they offer a perspective that really resonates.”

So what’s the takeaway for parents?

"Sports is one of few places in a child's life where a parent can say, 'This is your thing,’ ” Miller says. "Athletics is one of the best ways for young people to take risks and deal with failure because the consequences aren’t fatal, they aren’t permanent. We’re talking about a game. So they usually don’t want or need a parent to rescue them when something goes wrong.

"Once you as a parent are assured the team is a safe environment, release your child to the coach and to the game. That way all successes are theirs, all failures are theirs."

And discussion on the ride home can be about a song on the radio or where to stop for a bite to eat. By the time you pull into the driveway, the relationship ought to have transformed from keenly interested spectator and athlete back to parent and child:

"We loved watching you play. … Now, how about that homework?"

FIVE SIGNS OF A NIGHTMARE SPORTS PARENT

Nearly 75 percent of kids who play organized sports quit by age 13. Some find that their skill level hits a plateau and the game is no longer fun. Others simply discover other interests. But too many promising young athletes turn away from sports because their parents become insufferable.

Even professional athletes can behave inappropriately when it comes to their children. David Beckham was recently ejected from a youth soccer field for questioning an official. New Orleans radio host Bobby Hebert, a former NFL quarterback, publicly dressed down LSU football coach Les Miles after Alabama defeated LSU in the BCS title game last month. Hebert was hardly unbiased: His son had recently lost his starting position at LSU.

Mom or dad, so loving and rational at home, can transform into an ogre at a game. A lot of kids internally reach the conclusion that if they quit the sport, maybe they'll get their dad or mom back.

As a sports parent, this is what you don't want to become. This is what you want to avoid:

• Overemphasizing sports at the expense of sportsmanship: The best athletes keep their emotions in check and perform at an even keel, win or lose. Parents demonstrative in showing displeasure during a contest are sending the wrong message. Encouragement is crucial -- especially when things aren’t going well on the field.

• Having different goals than your child: Brown and Miller suggest jotting down a list of what you want for your child during their sport season. Your son or daughter can do the same. Vastly different lists are a red flag. Kids generally want to have fun, enjoy time with their friends, improve their skills and win. Parents who write down “getting a scholarship” or “making the All-Star team” probably need to adjust their goals. “Athletes say their parents believe their role on the team is larger than what the athlete knows it to be,” Miller says.

• Treating your child differently after a loss than a win: Almost all parents love their children the same regardless of the outcome of a game. Yet often their behavior conveys something else. "Many young athletes indicate that conversations with their parents after a game somehow make them feel as if their value as a person was tied to playing time or winning,” Brown says.

• Undermining the coach: Young athletes need a single instructional voice during games. That voice has to be the coach. Kids who listen to their parents yelling instruction from the stands or even glancing at their parents for approval from the field are distracted and can't perform at a peak level. Second-guessing the coach on the ride home is just as insidious.

• Living your own athletic dream through your child: A sure sign is the parent taking credit when the child has done well. “We worked on that shot for weeks in the driveway,” or “You did it just like I showed you” Another symptom is when the outcome of a game means more to a parent than to the child. If you as a parent are still depressed by a loss when the child is already off playing with friends, remind yourself that it’s not your career and you have zero control over the outcome.

FIVE SIGNS OF AN IDEAL SPORTS PARENT

Let’s hear it for the parents who do it right. In many respects, Brown and Miller say, it’s easier to be an ideal sports parent than a nightmare. “It takes less effort,” Miller says. “Sit back and enjoy.” Here’s what to do:

• Cheer everybody on the team, not just your child: Parents should attend as many games as possible and be supportive, yet allow young athletes to find their own solutions. Don’t feel the need to come to their rescue at every crisis. Continue to make positive comments even when the team is struggling.

• Model appropriate behavior: Contrary to the old saying, children do as you do, not as you say. When a parent projects poise, control and confidence, the young athlete is likely to do the same. And when a parent doesn’t dwell on a tough loss, the young athlete will be enormously appreciative.

• Know what is suitable to discuss with the coach: The mental and physical treatment of your child is absolutely appropriate. So is seeking advice on ways to help your child improve. And if you are concerned about your child’s behavior in the team setting, bring that up with the coach. Taboo topics: Playing time, team strategy, and discussing team members other than your child.

• Know your role: Everyone at a game is either a player, a coach, an official or a spectator. “It’s wise to choose only one of those roles at a time,” Brown says. “Some adults have the false impression that by being in a crowd, they become anonymous. People behaving poorly cannot hide.” Here’s a clue: If your child seems embarrassed by you, clean up your act.

• Be a good listener and a great encourager: When your child is ready to talk about a game or has a question about the sport, be all ears. Then provide answers while being mindful of avoiding becoming a nightmare sports parent. Above all, be positive. Be your child's biggest fan. "Good athletes learn better when they seek their own answers," Brown says.

And, of course, don’t be sparing with those magic words: "I love watching you play."

As we enter this Holiday Season, let me first start this blog entry by extending my best wishes to all of my friends in the Shenu family! I hope you all have a very Merry Christmas and a safe New Year!

On Dec 17, my team met for a holiday dinner. We all watched the NCAA Women’s Volleyball Championship together as UCLA eventually beat a strong and impressive Illinois! Of course – a flood of memories hit me as I remembered the feeling of being in that same championship game when my Long Beach State team beat a tough Penn State club in ‘98. The electricity and energy in the arena that night was unbelievable! It is truly a once in a lifetime experience.  

As I looked around the table at my 18-1 National team, I wondered how many of these girls might get the chance to play in a game like that. It’s rare – but possible. The thing that I am more focused on is helping these players get into a college that is a good fit for them – and if they can use their volleyball skills to do so – then more power to them. I smiled as I thought about the memories they will experience when they eventually do get into college – both in school and playing volleyball. They will make friendships that will last a lifetime and be able to tell stories to their own kids someday!

 I am also very thankful that the club was able to bring on board two coaches that will take Shenu to the next level. Lisa Oliver of Phoenix College is assisting in the ‘college recruiting’ strategy that the club is implementing. Shenu is committed transforming into a ‘college prep’ club and Lisa has already met with players and parents – and in true Lisa fashion has given them homework assignments aimed at recruiting!

During the team dinner, I also announced that Linda Hampton-Keith, assistant coach at Arizona State, will be joining the club to work with the 18-1 National team and will take over as the head coach as the club season progresses. I have been blessed to not only have two adorable boys, but am expecting twin girls shortly – so Linda will be assuming my role as soon as my daughters decide they need a little more attention!! … and yes… they have already committed to a college!! (… just joking Coach Brian…). Linda’s experience, patience and dedication will surely make these athletes the best they can be.

I speak about my team often – but I do pay close attention to the development of all the teams in the club. I think that our 14-1 team will be a force to reckon with in the AZ Region and will open a lot of eyes. Our 16 teams are big and strong and have already shown much improvement in the short month we have been practicing; I expect good things from them! Our 14-2 and 12-1 Regional teams have worked hard on the fundamentals & basics. For some, it is their first taste of competitive club volleyball and they are making great strides already.

A new club season to me is like the feeling of seeing a present under the tree! You are anxious, excited and can’t wait to tear into it! I am so excited about this upcoming season… and I hope you are too!!

Best wishes – Go Shenu!
Benishe

Hi all,

So now that school season is winding down (whew - it seems like it just started!) the next decision for volleyball players and their families is, "Which club do I play for?"

This is not an easy decision. There are many good clubs in the valley and they all offer something for most players.

 The one thing I will say is that SHENU is NOT right for everyone. It's not! What I will tell you is that the club has to be a good fit for the player, meet personal development goals and the parents must be comfortable.

Over the past 3 years, Shenu has seen its growth in the club, going from 2 teams, to 6 then 9 last year, so I'd like to think that we are doing something right - BUT I will say it again... SHENU is not the right club for everyone!

So - this is strange - isn't it? Here is a club director turning away business? Well - actually I look at it another way. I want volleyball in Arizona to become as competitive as it is in California, Texas, and Nebraska etc... This means that the players need to develop individually ...  and in order to do this they must be at the club that is the BEST FIT FOR THE PLAYER.

So how should you choose a club for your daughter? Here are some of my thoughts....

Individual Development

The club should have a consistent training plan for your daughter. Is it in writing? Ask them to show you! Is testing done to determine progress? Does this testing start at tryouts? Does the club have a written skills plan that the coaches are required to follow? The player and the parent need to be able to see a noticeable improvement in the players skill set at the end of the season that is more than anecdotal.

"Brand Name" Club

Some people fall into the trap of signing up their daughters with a 'brand name' club. It seems like the parents are just aching to tell other parents.. "Well my daughter plays for club So-and-So"!   Some parents talk about the volleyball club as if THEY are the ones that made the team! Maybe they just like the nifty parent T-shirts..? I don't know....

Then, halfway through the season, they realize their daughter has rarely played, has not improved and is feeling less enthusiastic about volleyball then when the season started - but they keep writing checks! If you ask them why, they will say "Oh well everyone knows this club..." they puff out their chest and they seem to be content with a popular name on their daughter's jersey. It's like saying that your child is going to Harvard... but is taking basket-weaving courses. Sure - you can say your child attends a "brand name" college - but when it comes time for the child to compete as an individual in the real world, they won't be prepared and will get quite a shock.

Nationals, Nationals, Nationals

The club claims to send teams to nationals - but they are at the 12, 13, 14 year old levels. OK - well that is nice and is surely a memorable event for the girls (and an expensive one for the parents!), however have you ever watched a 12 year old game? It's a battle of SERVING... and you just spent an extra thousands of dollars to watch this battle of serving with a team from Nebraska!  On the other hand, they have an older team that is making nationals which is also pretty impressive. But unless your daughter is on the "1's" team and you have been contacted personally 6 months in advance as a hand-picked prospect - then the likelihood of a "2's" team or lower qualifying for nationals is almost nil. It's the New York Yankees syndrome- if you gather enough stud ballplayers on one team - they better win! Do you want your daughter to be on a 'winning' team (and maybe get little PT), or do you want her to personally be a 'winner'?

Promises and Package Deals

If a coach or club director makes promises to your daughter about playing time  - RUN! In competitive volleyball, especially as the player gets older, the player must learn to work hard, be dedicated and perform. The most a director should be 'promising' is the opportunity for the player to work hard and prove herself.

And these package deals... drive - me - crazy!! Seriously, what is this all about?? "Well - if you take my daughter, and promise her playing time - I can get that libero from so-and-so school, and I think her other friend..."     Do you realize that college coaches DON'T CARE about the package deal you made?? The want to see if that INDIVIDUAL player can perform - and if they will fit into their program! So - if a player is approached by a college coach - are you going to say "Well - sure we're interested - but only if you look at this other player..."??     NO!!! That would never happen!    So - why do you risk your daughter's personal development by trying to bundle her up like a cable package deal? Why are you pinning her personal development to another player? 

Preparing your Daughter for College 

Clubs should have a process in place for preparing a player to be ready for college - starting from their freshman year up until their senior year. A blueprint should exist that outlines what the player, the parents and the club will do to increase the chances that the player will be offered athletic scholarships for college. Does yours? Or do they rely on the good-ol-boy network? Is everything word of mouth? Is it the same mentality that is used when for "promises and package deals"?

There are no guarantees.. and any club director who tells you that "your daughter is a lock..." is simply not being up front with you. There are MANY good ball players in the valley and in the country - some are extraordinary and will make it to the top college levels. The majority are solid ball players that need the chance to work hard, improve and will have a real shot at MANY colleges throughout the country. If your daughter is a 6'4" top D1 prospect; then congratulations and I sincerely hope that one day she will represent the country on a National or Olympic team. If your daughter falls into the remaining category - that's OK. Those are the girls that benefit from the individual work and a dedicated club. These players can indeed make name for themselves!

Cutthroat

Winning is important. But it's not the only thing. As you can tell from most of my blogs, my philosophy centers around personal player development. I truly believe that a team is the sum total of the players efforts and contributions. If the club works to develop the individual talents of the player, while teaching them teamwork - then winning becomes a by-product. If a club consistently throws the number of "wins" in your face - ask them who they played? What level? What division? Ask them to tell you how they measured the individual progress of the player.

While I believe in pushing the girls to become better than they ever thought possible - I don't believe in a win at all costs, cutthroat attitude. There are more important things in life that we try to instill in our players so they become successful women off the court, such as honesty, integrity, sportsmanship, ideals, commitment and dedication. A club that makes the player feel welcome as a person, and not just as a "player" is one that I believe is doing things right.
 

Parents + Players + Club = Family

Does the club make a effort to include the parents as integral parts of the player development? Joining the right club requires a commitment from both the player as well as the parents! A club should make parents feel welcomed, keep them informed of important events as well as make them feel comfortable being part of the club. How many of you parents grumbled at the end of the last club season? How many of you will still go back to the same club?? Ask yourself... Why?

The AZ Region has some good guidelines about parent behavior and support of the athletes. Their FAQ page also has good info on how to choose a club and other things to consider.

Well - I am sure I could go on about my thoughts on club selection, but ultimately it's a choice that you and your daughters will make. If you decide to choose Shenu, then I can only promise you this - I will work hard to gain your trust while your daughters are in my 'volleyball' care and will give them many opportunities to improve. If you do not choose Shenu, then I sincerely hope that your club choice provides the best opportunity for your daughter to develop and that you have the best possible experience!

Best Wishes,
Benishe
Go Shenu!

Hi everyone,

School volleyball season has started and is well under way! 

I want to congratulate those players that made their teams, from middle school, up to Frosh, JV and Varsity. We look forward to hearing stories of your experiences this club season!

It's been a while for me since I went through the 'tryout process and it made me start to think back.

Being involved in competitive volleyball at the collegiate, US National and Olympic levels and professional for so many years has provided so many great experiences for me and I am truly grateful. It has however, also provided me with moments in which I doubted myself and my abilities. Sometimes when I was on the court, I’d look around, and say “Wow – what am I doing out here?? I am surrounded by world class athletes and …well … what am I doing out here??" 
 

I have come to realize that moments of doubt and not believing in your abilities are part of sports, just as they are part of life. None of us can honestly say that they were 100% absolutely certain that they made the right decision. In sports, you re-think things, such as “Should I have bump set that instead…?, Should I have hit that down the line instead of cross court? … Should I have eaten that burrito before the game?...” 

Sometimes, we fail. Sometimes, we make the wrong decision. But at all times we should learn from it and figure out how it will make us stronger and more prepared for the next time. Failing is OK. Continuous failure is NOT OK – as it usually is the result of not realizing you failed in the first place and not committing to change the way you approach things. 

During the start of this school season, I have been contacted by many players expressing the sheer joy of making their school teams – but I have also felt some of the heartache from those that contacted me that did not. Believe me girls; it hits me in the gut too.
 

My challenge to you however is this: How are you going to handle it? Are you going to work harder? Are you going to lift weights? Are you going to run more? Are you going to work on your quickness, your passing, your hitting, your serving, and your hops? Are you going to dedicate yourself to NOT letting this happen next year – and “prove those school coaches wrong?”
 

I heard a story about a high school coach that was asked about playing time for a player during the season  – or rather lack of.

The coach simply said, “There are 2 reasons why your daughter is not playing… Reason #1 is that her grades are so low that they are making her academically ineligible. Reason #2 is that some other girl is better than her and is beating her out! So – if her grades are good, then you know what the answer is – so don’t even bother asking me!” 

BAMM! What a simple philosophy! Welcome to the world of competitive volleyball!! …But…  within it implies that YOU always have the chance to be the girl that is beating someone else out … but it is totally up to you, your dedication, hard work and effort.
 

This same exact reasoning applies to some players that did not make their teams – so the question is – What are you going to do about it? Own your failures girls, it’s the only thing that will set you on the path to becoming successful. 

Yours Truly, Benishe 

Go Shenu!

 Happy Summer Everyone! 

I hope everyone is enjoying their hot summer here in the Valley! I was so happy to see so many of you at the Beach Program, Camps and Clinics – we had a lot of fun and it’s a great way to stay in volleyball shape! 

I want to ask you all something:

There are plenty of girls working hard to improve their game…are you one of them?

Have you been working out? Have you been running? Have you been getting touches on the ball? Have you been attending camp? Have you been learning more about this great sport? Are you ready for your schools tryouts? Are you ready for an even more competitive season with Shenu next season? Are you ready to push yourselves to become the best player and teammate you can be? Seriously….?

Volleyball is a wonderful sport ladies – it teaches you discipline, commitment, dedication, teamwork, performance and affords a tremendous amount of pride and satisfaction when it all clicks together.

 All it takes is hard work and desire. Are you ready to work hard? Are you ready to hit extra balls when you feel like your arms are ready to fall off? Are you ready to take extra passing practice when your legs are shaky? Are you ready to run that extra sprint when you don’t think you can catch your breath? Do you want to just “compete” with the elite teams in the valley, or do you want to walk away from your matches victorious and BE one of those teams?

All it takes is hard work and desire. There are no shortcuts. It’s pretty simple. Games, matches and championships are not won on the day you play - they are won during your workouts, practices and times when you feel like quitting ... but don't!

Good luck ladies the rest of the summer and during your school tryouts. Make me Shenu proud.

 All the best. Go Shenu!

B

Hi all!

We made it through another tough and competitive club season – and I wanted to take a few minutes and let you share some of my thoughts. It’ been a while since I have really sat down and put my thoughts in writing so please bear with me!

First – Just because it is the end of club season doesn’t mean a player should put volleyball out their mind! You all have to prepare for your upcoming school seasons, whether it’s middle school or high school! Stay in “volleyball shape” this summer – exercise, run, eat right and play volleyball!

Shenu has summer offerings to help you with this – such as our beach volleyball tournaments, open gyms, summer camps, private lessons & a free clinic in July! Look through the rest of the website for these opportunities. Please email me if you have any questions on any of the summer training activities that Shenu has available – I will be happy to discuss.

Second – we worked hard on improving our website for all of you. So please take a look at all of the information that we have for both the current players as well as prospective new players coming into the program.

Third – I wanted to say thank you for those that helped out at the St. Mary’s Food Bank on May 21st.We believe that it is important for our athletes to appreciate the things that they have – and we feel that by helping those less fortunate the girls will realize this. This club hopes to influence your daughters not only in volleyball – but by instilling values and virtues in them that will think we help in life after volleyball.

Fourth– I am always impressed by the amount of personal growth that a player can exhibit from the beginning of the season to the end. Part of our mission is to personally develop these young women as players – and I feel confident in saying that all of them have improved. Each girl is on their own pace, some advance more quickly than others and some have more challenges to overcome, but I look at their progress and challenge anyone to tell me that they aren’t better players now than they were in last November.

At Shenu, I want to see dedicated young athletes that love the game working hard and developing their talent. I hope to see them striving for excellence and preparing themselves for college volleyball. 

I hold the girls to high standards – so when I ask “Are you Shenu material?” ,it’s because I am looking for more than just a volleyball player.

If that means that it takes some a few years to develop, then so be it. Shenu is in it for the long haul.

Fifth– I also want to congratulate the teams on their success this year. Each year it seems that the competition gets better and better, so we must continue to put quality teams on the court. I was very happy with the teams this year – not only with the teams that won championships and finished in Gold rounds, but with all the teams because they showed the progress I was looking for.

Six– I’d like to thank my coaches. The past year had some challenges as does any season, but there were also many rewarding high points. I not only strive to hold the players to high standards, but my coaches as well. We are constantly improving our methods to make your daughters the best players they can be and we will continue to do so in the future.

Seven– I’d like to thank the parents for their support of the club this past year. We want to keep the parents involved in the club as much as possible as this better supports the players. I welcome parent’s feedback during and after the season on how we may improve the club – so please just send me an email!

Lastly– to all my players – THANK YOU for making Shenu what it is today! We have gone from a small club to a very competitive one in 3 short years! I love to overhear comments at tournaments like “…better watch out for this team”, or “… these girls really ARE good …”, or “… that team in Pink can play”… and so on. You all have definitely made an impact in the AZ region. It makes me feel proud of my players that we are competing with the big-dogs and we are doing it with a simple philosophy of “work hard and do your best”. Winning becomes a by-product of this work ethic.

You players are also my best ambassadors of the club. If you know volleyball players that have some skill, dedication and commitment –then introduce them to Shenu. Bring them to open gyms & camps and encourage them to tryout in November. If their parents want more info, show them the website and I am always willing to further discuss the club with them. I get many calls and emails each day from parents and players – even if they are currently with established clubs.

In closing, let me leave you with a sincere and heartfelt “thank you” for a wonderful 2010 club season. Work hard, stay in shape. Come back even more focused and dedicated in 2011 – because I will be doing the same thing! Good Luck on your school teams.

Go SHENU,

Benishe